{ My God Love story }

This is the second installment of Proverbs 31 ministries blog hop for the Bible Study "I am messing up my kids??" .

 

My love story with God is the typical love story: I met him, I left him and found him again!
He is my first love and will probably be my last one!

When I was very young , at about 7 or 8, I loved God and felt close to him.
I also remember I used to say that, when I grow up , I would either be a nun or  a crazy woman. 
What a strange thing to say for a kid, right? 
I now undertsand that I felt at the time that there was something in me, a gap, a hole, that nothing earthly could ever fill and that if I failed to  turn to God to fill it, I would remain empty and fall into madness. I felt that at the time, and I was only 8. 

 My dad left home when I was 10. He said he never loved us, his 3 children and left. Like that, on a hot summer day.
My world fell apart. Who would love me now?? I wasn't good enough for my father to love me, I felt useless and unloved. 

Then I grew up, I forgot about God, and then at university , they taught me to be rational, and God did not fall into the rational part of this world.
So I thought.

So my GAP stayed empty and so I did fall into self-destruction, self-distraction, self-hatred.

I went throught therapy and this woman, she helped me to self-parent in a good way.

The hole became smaller, I could even hide it under smiles and jokes and a positive attitude and even forget about it. . But I knew something was missing.
I went to England, learnt to speak and read english, then came back , met my dear loved husband, had my first child , started scrapbooking, read american blogs, .... and one day I stumbled on this woman's blog and this time not only did she change my life , she helped me in the greatest way!
Ann Voskamp talked about being Grateful and how gratitude had helped her understand how much God loves her. I always wanted this kind of relmationship with God.
I read her books, in english, in french.

 
I started my own list of gratitude: I wrote what I was grateful for, I spoke it out loud, and still do it.
One summer I bought a Bible, I read it, started to memorize the Word of God.

And then I understood that Jesus gave his life away for me.  I was struck. 

I could not live the same way any longer. Someone had given his life away for me;  God had given his son away for me. 
I was overwhelmed by his love for me. I understood that I was no more the abandonned daughter, the failure. I was God's beloved! me, so broken , so empty. 

I took me 2 years to really start to feel I deserved this love and to live daily seeking for his love, his embrace, his truth.
And to call on God when I felt empty, to refill me. To not be broken by criticism but instead turn to Him. 

I repeat this psalm in dark times, when I feel alone, exhausted, overwhelmed:

¹ Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
² Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
³ Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.

psalm 136

As a mother, now, I can ask him to help me when I feel that I am loosing control of the situation, or when my kids are unkind. I am praying for his perspective.

I am also learning to hand things over to Him. 

I am learning that he gave me these children so I could teach and be taught. 

I am learning to embrace this role I was given and to do it in the best way I can.

I am learning that  you have not given anything until you have given yourself away. 


And so, that little 8 years old girl, she did grow up and she did not become a nun nor a crazy woman. Not really!!

Instead she is discovering the great JOY there is in believing, a joy that does not depend on her children's behavior, or her husband's words, on her boss's appraisal.

A joy deeper than anything earthly could bring me. 

The joy of knowing that I am the beloved child of God. Being a loved child helps me to be a loving mother. I fill with His love, with thanks, and then I try to hand this love over to the ones who need me , here in my family.
To me this is the only way I can be a better mum.

But as I say: I am LEARNING, practicing, consciously making the CHOICE to be thankful, to trust. Some days I forget, but most day I remember that I need to stay still, and turn to Him. Then I feel his embrace.