{ My God Love story }

mercredi 23 juillet 2014

This is the second installment of Proverbs 31 ministries blog hop for the Bible Study "I am messing up my kids??" .

My love story with God is the typical love story: I met him, I left him and found him again!
He is my first love and will probably be my last one!

When I was very young , at about 7 or 8, I loved God and felt close to him.
I also remember I used to say that, when I grow up , I would either be a nun or  a crazy woman. 
What a strange thing to say for a kid, right? 
I now undertsand that I felt at the time that there was something in me, a gap, a hole, that nothing earthly could ever fill and that if I failed to  turn to God to fill it, I would remain empty and fall into madness. I felt that at the time, and I was only 8. 

 My dad left home when I was 10. He said he never loved us, his 3 children and left. Like that, on a hot summer day.
My world fell apart. Who would love me now?? I wasn't good enough for my father to love me, I felt useless and unloved. 

Then I grew up, I forgot about God, and then at university , they taught me to be rational, and God did not fall into the rational part of this world.
So I thought.

So my GAP stayed empty and so I did fall into self-destruction, self-distraction, self-hatred.

I went throught therapy and this woman, she helped me to self-parent in a good way.

The hole became smaller, I could even hide it under smiles and jokes and a positive attitude and even forget about it. . But I knew something was missing.
I went to England, learnt to speak and read english, then came back , met my dear loved husband, had my first child , started scrapbooking, read american blogs, .... and one day I stumbled on this woman's blog and this time not only did she change my life , she helped me in the greatest way!
Ann Voskamp talked about being Grateful and how gratitude had helped her understand how much God loves her. I always wanted this kind of relmationship with God.
I read her books, in english, in french.

I started my own list of gratitude: I wrote what I was grateful for, I spoke it out loud, and still do it.
One summer I bought a Bible, I read it, started to memorize the Word of God.

And then I understood that Jesus gave his life away for me.  I was struck. 

I could not live the same way any longer. Someone had given his life away for me;  God had given his son away for me. 
I was overwhelmed by his love for me. I understood that I was no more the abandonned daughter, the failure. I was God's beloved! me, so broken , so empty. 

I took me 2 years to really start to feel I deserved this love and to live daily seeking for his love, his embrace, his truth.
And to call on God when I felt empty, to refill me. To not be broken by criticism but instead turn to Him. 

I repeat this psalm in dark times, when I feel alone, exhausted, overwhelmed:

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good!
His faithful love endures forever.
Give thanks to the God of gods.
His faithful love endures forever.
Give thanks to the Lord of lords.
His faithful love endures forever.

psalm 136

As a mother, now, I can ask him to help me when I feel that I am loosing control of the situation, or when my kids are unkind. I am praying for his perspective.

I am also learning to hand things over to Him. 

I am learning that he gave me these children so I could teach and be taught. 

I am learning to embrace this role I was given and to do it in the best way I can.

I am learning that  you have not given anything until you have given yourself away. 

And so, that little 8 years old girl, she did grow up and she did not become a nun nor a crazy woman. Not really!!

Instead she is discovering the great JOY there is in believing, a joy that does not depend on her children's behavior, or her husband's words, on her boss's appraisal.

A joy deeper than anything earthly could bring me. 

The joy of knowing that I am the beloved child of God. Being a loved child helps me to be a loving mother. I fill with His love, with thanks, and then I try to hand this love over to the ones who need me , here in my family.
To me this is the only way I can be a better mum.

But as I say: I am LEARNING, practicing, consciously making the CHOICE to be thankful, to trust. Some days I forget, but most day I remember that I need to stay still, and turn to Him. Then I feel his embrace.

14 commentaires:

  1. This is an amazing love story, Sophie! Thanks so much for pouring out your heart and sharing your story here. I have goosebumps! When I was little, I also thought I would like to be a nun when I grew up. I even did a scrapbook page about that, maybe I will share someday on my blog :) Like you, I felt close to God as a child but got unconnected for many years as a teen and young adult. I've done a lot of reflection and study since then and have experienced so many powerful moments in the past decade that have really made my faith grow and get stronger than I ever imagined could happen. xo Karen

  2. Sophie such a beautiful love story. Bless your heart, and how God has turned it to beautiful and because of all you have been through, you can now be a better mom and wife. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. Awesome! Debbie W. (Proverbs 31 Ministries OBS Team)

  3. Sophie,
    Thanks for sharing your God love story. He is amazing, isn't He :) I'm so grateful for His patience and love and for the way He leads us so gently, step by step. Keep loving and learning and blogging :)

  4. A beautiful love story indeed! What a thing for an 8 year old you...to say. How that GAP was waiting to be filled your whole life. We all experience it...and we search for outlets to compensate...result...self destruction. No one can fill it except Jesus. Bless you as you continue in His Word and this study and being a mum.

  5. Sophie, I love this! What a beautiful story of love and hope and worth found in a God who loves like no other! My heart rejoices in knowing you are continuing to discover the joy in being a daughter of the King! Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your words today! xoxo ~ Shelly (OBS Team)

    PS... I love Ann Voskamp, too! :)

  6. Hi Sophie,
    I LOVE THIS! What an amazing story! Thanks for refreshing me today. By the way, I LOVE your Lisa Leonard necklace.
    Kristy Aiken

  7. Sophie - Thank you for posting this on your blog!! God is So Good - all the Time! Keep on serving our Lord. You are truly a blessing.

  8. Thank you for sharing this "love story"!

  9. ♥♥♥ Merci encore pour ce beau post ;)

  10. I love this line: "you have not given anything until you have given yourself away." It reminds me of Gandhi's quote, "The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others." This is why I always think of teaching as a vocation, a calling.

    1. yes Jill! being a teacher is also a calling, I do believe it very much.

  11. oh sophie, this was a really beautiful post. and i can understand you very well. even though i am a scientist, i never quit believing in god, but it's not always easy in a world of atheists around me. nowadays my believe is strong, but pretty much "MY" believe. i'm not too much into any "church guidelines", but rather follow my heart.

  12. What a beautiful story. I love how your faith became so real to you as an adult, and not just something carried over from childhood. Your necklace is perfect - all is grace. Beautiful in style, but also in meaning. Blessings to you, and thank you for sharing your faith story.


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